Torments under the Willow Tree

And the conspiracy of being alone, unloved and ill mannered, to where they are synonymous is what I do not know, and that I do not care. I’m feeling ill. All the swelling and retelling, fantasizing and day dreaming…reminscing back to the good’ol days. I wish…no, I hope…no I…think…well, there’s nothing to aspire for. It’s not miserable no it isn’t! It’s just I’m swelling, not because of severe syndrome of any illness but with heartache…to where my respect had came to the limit where it all dryed up, like a misty river that undergone drought…to where my next destination would be is somewhere I know where and how to get to but doesn’t like to…

Take me back to the good ‘ol days and let me play in your waters as carefree as I’ll be and soar through your misty atmosphere of thin air…to where I should be…where everyone should be as high as a pedestal in the Himalayas…to where I should be…just take me there and let me weep all my barren self… 

It’s something not taught in school but you know it’s not right. It’s not a topic usually brought up by your parents but you know it’s not right. It’s not something you think worse but you really know it’s not right.

So what is it? It’s what they call "taboo love" Nyaha, it’s not the lesbian thing ok? (although may sounds like) It’s the love between huge age gap. Sometimes unrequited but usually, not…that hurts though…

So why is it forbidden? It is not because it is. Confusing right? Taboo love is among our own set of generation…from mine to yours even to the upcoming ones. You may say age doesn’t matter "Yeah. Oh great, how ironic, I didn’t guess it was coming!" Now i’m lying. I always get the anecdote that is not a surreal.

"Love is Blind" "Love Conquers All" " Love will see you through"

It makes me laugh…not because I find it funny. I find it useless, a waste I already thrown out but fled back to me from the window.These is stupidity. It covers a whole lot more than the both of us think. So did I answered Why is it Forbidden?

If you think so, good for you but if not so, you’re just like me searching skin-deep for conclusions, then, join the club…

Ok, so… you’re not going without a serious explanation huh?

Right.

Taboo love, (i really hate the name, sounds homosexual!) the love trapped between the two souls of a human being with a big, no huge age gap (ok, this time, big is larger than huge)

It’s forbidden because it is. No! because this love is not gonna work out. This love is a surefire disaster. This love is not just right!

Don’t you hate seeing a couple holding each other hands? Of course you’re not…but when he’s older and she’s still immaculately young…It really sucks.

But…

I’ll make it an exception.

I can injure no more the pain that i’m feeling this moment. Losing someone, though not for so long is really tearing my heart out loud with desolate. I still can’t understand why I wasn’t able to say a single goodbye…He’s so mean, leaving me alone soaked in my waterfalls of tears. He’s going to USA…no better yet, he’s already in the US.

I was left all alone by a man I was dearly infatuated with. A man who have to recover from a sudden lung operation…and me, a girl that has to recover from a heart deformation. It’s so weird. My mantra is not capable of protruding all my emotions in one full blow. It’s gonna hurt a lot, no it’s gonna hurt a lot, lot, lot. It’s gonna be painful than bafore…yes painful than your post-operation recovery.

I still can’t believe that you left me. You left me undone, unsatisfied and unfinished…but better yet you konw…

I may be in a suffering condition and my heart is teared apart by your haste departure but it’s all whole to start with because it’s waiting for you.   

I do love him. I pay due respect. I give my immortal. I doubted…I’m so sorry I doubted. All the conspiracy of being trapped. Doubt and insecurity, How can I ever get rid of these bluntness. God! why am I asking this…

I doubt what? I doubted that there is someone else in the picture. I doubted that there is no time for thee. I doubted that he’s no genuine. I doubed that i’ll be happy, once and for all.

I always doubt…feeling insecured and discontented. Yet, nothing more can I do. I was still in the process where I am getting rid of the big question mark and preparing for the reborn of trust. Gee, it needs more germentation day by day. And heaps of patience as well. What I hate most is my possessiveness is taking a part of me, petrified and unsure. It’s a menace, a sinister waiting for something important’s destroy. I grieve, and symphatize but still is laughing.

Doubt and Love has a lot in common, and differences as well…but one rule divides its conflict…that love is being reborn when doubt is pushed inside its circle…and though the heart that conceives it all feel the presence of the two…can’t feel its merging defiance but the conspiracy that had just started, that doubt consumes love, it’s bigger, more powerful, more… doubt is always more. What a shame, mine is an example.

Getting to the target…that my love cannot be easily be consumed by doubt though half of it is already are. Why not? Because it is the arch-nemesis of love…it can start the fire and can also put an end to it, but know what? I already put out my burning doubt. To help save love…that can help save all of me.

‘Pag ang isang tao, nagmahal, seryoso. Wala nang paliguy-ligoy pa. Isa lang ang tumbok ng paroroonan…ang lumigaya, na lubusang dala ng makapangyarihang pag-ibig. Ang isang tao, magmamahal dahil handa syang masaktan hindi para maging inutil twina kundi para lumakas at maging matatag. Ang tunay na pag-ibig ay hindi nasusukat sa dami, sa tagal o kung gaano kalaki ang sakripisyong inalay dito kundi ang taong nagbuwis ng kapararakan para ito ay maituring na pagmamahal.

Hindi nito kailangan ang kahit na anong yaman sa mundo. Hindi sakit at sakripisyo na dulot nito ang sumusukat sa tibay na pagmamahal kundi ang mismong sarili nito na hanggang ngayon ay hindi natitinag sa anumang hambalang na balak itong lipulin…

Ito ang pag-ibig walang kilala, walang nakikita, walang sini-sino dahil ang alam lamang nito ay sadyang makiramdam at mag-alay ng buo nitong sarili sa taong minamahal. Hindi ka-martyran ang masugatan at manatiling ganito bagkus isang bayani na handang suungin ang naka-ambang pagsubok dahil ito ay bagkus walang iba kundi,

DAKILANG NAGMAMAHAL

"Adik ako. Hindi ko kaya ang walang computer. Mamamatay ako. Ito ang tubig ng isang adik, hangin ng isang adik, pagkain ng isang adik. Ako ay adik. Mahirap ang walang cellphone…nakakabagot, nakakaburat…TV, sakit ko ang TV…siguradong maloloka ako ng wala ‘to"

Iyan ay isang monologo ng isang studyante…kailangan niya raw ito. Matindi niya daw itong ipaglalaban anuman ang mangyari…sa kahit ano at sa kahit sino

Marahil ito nga ang kinatatakutan…ang sobrang pagka hapit ng katawan natin sa bisyo ng bagong henerasyon…ako ay isa sa kanila, aamin na ko.

Kailangan daw ng mga tulad ko nito…kailangan nga ba…ako? gusto ko lang. Panigurado ko sila din. Ngayon, kung kailan ang bisyo ay hindi na lang beer at sigarilyo ay dapat nating isaalang-alang na ito ay isa lamang tukso sa lumalagong teknolohiya ng ika-21 centurya….computer,tv,Mp3 players at cellular phones…bisyo na sila…bisyo ko sila

******Patawad*******

And So it was…God made the heaven above adorned with its glorious jewel…the stars, meant to be above, and the earth where I belong is where conspiracy is at its most cruel form. I stood, turned my chin towards the vast landscape of heaven…and saw a star’s face, My! how long had it been? It only took a moment for that body to be unreachable…It was just like yesterday when Christian Bautista is still a bud,like a sun soon to rise…but look at him now, shining on the top of Mt. Victory…a star, untouchable, unreachable…most probabaly impossible.

Those annoying laughter and teasing of everyday atmosphere, I can never have enough…Those antics of yours I dislike the most, gonna miss it too… everything I hate the most: I missed the most. It’s stupid and propestrous, but could never get enough of it. It’s weary, a freaky sentiment: I feel haste, disgust and a great amount of hiccups.

Will You Remember my Name? Of course, i’ll remember yours…you’ll always be a part of me. I love you the most, my old class of St. Ignatius, there can be something more special than you but not as important as you are(yeah, you got the point)

The misty air…full of dust and debris brought by the construction site  not far from our "home"

There our dear mother stood, asked one of our sister to close our poor windows, all covered with dust and old age…

The momentum of our childhood…

For the class of my dear old St. Ignatius of Loyola…a part of who I am today

I sat. Facing at the monitor, I got nothing to place in the blank screen standing next to me… Yes, I have nothing, as time churns, My mind was boggling: turning my sight upside-down. Time is churning. When you have lots of it, you think that there’s always a place for everything…you can never have none, ‘Till it’s finished.Now my friend, don’t you dare to continue what you are reading if there is still something left for you to accomplish; for you’ll never know how important this moment is…never waste time…(what am I saying, I’m already are) 

You can never have too much of it. You will never know how many seconds is left to continue breathing. I won’t lecture you anymore, it ’s a waste of time….conserve it will you?

Malapit na naman ang bakasyon at ito na naman ang mga alitututs(mga bagay na hindi kayang idiscribe gamit ang wikang tagalog, french o english language) na gumagambala sa maliit at pasabog pa lang na utak ko. Yessss! pahinga na at tapos na rin ang mga umuusok na mga assignment at paltos sa daliri…oo nga pala ang kuba kong backpack, paalam na rin sa ‘yo. Malimit ko na ring maisusuot ang unipormeng matagal ko ng pinagsawaan. Aloha…tataas na naman ang grado ng mata ko in 24 hour duration mag-iinternet ako pero hindi naman lagi, sayang naman ang oras para manood ng tv, ay wait lang… tataas na na rin pala ang bill sa telepono…oo madakdak naman talaga ako eh…ok so anung balak mo sa bakasyon? txt mo naman ako oh…09282005285-Ruby hahahaha…sige thank you ha…good luck sa ‘yo!!!